


Forgiveness

by bluesmoke



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Letters, Love Letters, M/M, Pregnancy, Second War with Voldemort, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-15 18:15:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17533739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluesmoke/pseuds/bluesmoke
Summary: Remus needs to write a letter to Sirius.





	Forgiveness

Dear Sirius,  
this morning Dora told me she was pregnant. I am going to be father. She was so happy and I only wanted to scream, but I pretended a smile and hugged her.  
I messed up. I messed all up. I didn't love her, I don't love her and now there is a baby and I don't want him.  
I wanted to know her because she was the closer thing to you. I hoped to find you in her, and I believed it, for a while. It worked between us, for a while. The way she spoke, the way she moved. She was your cousin after all, I had to believe that you were alike.  
I was seeing you. In her laugh I was hearing you.  
I really did.  
But then I realized that was me. I was forcing myself to see what I wanted, to hear what I wanted. You weren't there,and neither did I.  
I died the day you died, with the only exception that now you are there and I am here.  
Are you waiting for me?  
Are you happy where you are?  
I miss you.  
I am sorry.  
I am not happy, but I think you can see it. You can see me where you are, right? I have to believe this, because this is the only thing that keeps me going.  
I would give my life to see you again, one last time, to tell you that I love you.  
My only big regret is never told you that. Because I did love you, now I know, and I don't want to lie to myself anymore.  
I know you loved me too. We were too stupid and too young to face the truth.  
Do you regret it?  
I do.  
I miss you.  
Some nights I dream about you. I see your face and your hands and your hair. I see your smile and your eyes. And you are so beautiful and so real that is so difficult to realize that you are gone when I wake up.  
Some days I can't even get out of bed.  
Some days I can't even breathe.  
Some days I can feel you so close to me that I don't know if you are less dead or I am less alive.  
Why?  
Why you?  
You didn't reserve it.  
I didn't reserve it.  
We were broken but we could have been happy together. We could have fixed each other.  
But the death got you before I could.  
I'm sorry.  
I'm so sorry.  
Do you remember that night on the Astronomy Tower? Of course you do.  
It was the first time we saw each other naked. You kissed all my scars, one by one. I have never felt so beautiful like that night in your hands.  
I betrayed you.  
Oh God.  
I betrayed you.  
I didn't believe you and I left you in that cell for twelve years. Oh God, oh my God.  
Do you forgive me?  
Please, please. I need you forgiveness. I know you didn't blame me, but I do.  
You know what? I hate you.  
Yes, I hate you.  
You weren't supposed to leave me, but you did, and I can't forgive you. Because you knew how fragile I was, how fragile I am and you weren't supposed to leave me alone.  
How dare you?  
How?  
I miss you and you are not there and you never will be.  
I am sorry, I am sorry. I don't hate you, I will never hate you.  
I am so so sorry.  
Do you think about me?  
I do.  
If you were here, you would tell what to do.  
If you were here, I wouldn't be in this situation.  
If you were here, all would be different.  
I miss you, and I will always miss you.  
Dora is so happy and I have this weight on my chest and I can't breathe.  
I wish I could talk to you, touch you.  
I miss your skin and its smell.  
I'm tired, Sirius. I'm tired of fighting.  
The monster in me screams and it is so strong and I can't handle this anymore.  
I lost James and you that night and then you came back and then I lost you again and I can't handle this anymore.  
Please, please, be close to me. I need it. I need you close to me, please.  
Help me through this, because I can't do this alone.  
Forgive me, if you can.  
I will see you soon.  
With all the love I have, Moony.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you enjoyed this. Leave a comment if you want!


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